


Whale Song of Silence

by Anonymous



Category: Abrahamic Religions
Genre: Bad Art, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Deliberate Badfic, Gen, Songfic, temporary animal death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-03-19 21:51:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3625542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why did you do it, Ahab? Why'd you have to kill that whale?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whale Song of Silence

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ImogenAlpacaday](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImogenAlpacaday/gifts).



> This treat is for ImogenAlpacaday, who shares my love of Judas and pandas. Lyrics to Whale Song from http://bussongs.com/songs/whale-song.php. Also, can you spot the Jesus Christ Superstar lyrics? *winky face*

_Last night I had a dream_  
_It was so plain to see._  
_I was swimming in the ocean_  
_So far out at sea._  
_I was not scared or breathless_  
_But filled with oh such joy._  
_A whale was swimming beside me_  
_And telling me her tale._

Judas Iscariot was out in his boat fishing, just minding his own business. His thoughts drifted, like flotsam on the surface of the sea, to a time when he and Jesus were the best of friends. Then all those other disciples started showing up and it just wasn't the same anymore. Jesus seemed... distant somehow, and never had time for RPing with just Judas anymore. And it only got worse ever since Mary showed up. God, she was such a skank! (Magdalene, not his mom of course.)

Suddenly, a great ship appeared on the horizon, and came steadily closer and closer. It was coming very fast! Almost like it was being pulled along by a great beast. Oh wait, it was! There was a big, white whale pulling it along, trying to escape from the giant harpoon stuck in its head. Judas sat up in his boat and road like mad, and the big ship only just missed him and finally came to a stop. The whale had died. :(

 _Her body shone like coal dust_  
_Her movements like a swan._  
_I clung onto her side_  
_The journey just begun._  
_She rolled onto her back_  
_I clung with all my might,_  
_But this gentle watery giant_  
_Had no desire to fright._

A scrappy old seafaring captain jumped about on the deck in celebration.

“Fuck yeah!” he cried in exhuberation, pumping his fistless stumps in the air. He was missing both hands! “How do you like me now, White Whale? Who's yer daddy? It's me, Ahab. Woo hoo!”

Judas looked on in disgust. “Ahab!” he yelled. “Why'd you have to kill that whale? They are gentle creatures, and very intelligent. And also endangered, or they will be in the future. What is your problem?”

“You see these stumps?” Ahab replied, waving his stumps in Judas' face for effect. “That so-called gentle creature bit off my hands, and I swore my vengeance that day.”

“If you have no hands, how did you fire the harpoon?” Judas inquired.

“I have very agile toes,” Ahab beamed.

“Eat krill, Captain Loser!”

Judas and Ahab looked on in amazement as Po, the Kung Fu Panda literally came out of nowhere. He landed a flying kick to Ahab's face, knocking him sideways.

“Shit just got real,” said Judas.

 _She sang of distant oceans_  
_Of corals bright and clean._  
_And brightly colored fishes_  
_Unlike I'd ever seen._  
_She sang her many stories_  
_And told of wondrous sights._  
_She sang that I should go home_  
_And sleep the long good night._

  
“For Christ's sake, would somebody please help me?” Ahab called to the Heavens as he continued to be pummeled by the Kung Fu Panda.

Just then, there was a flash of light and a noise like thunder. And suddenly, Jesus appeared, walking on the water towards them (as he was wont to do). He did this wavy, jazz hands gesture and something started to happen at the end of Ahab's stumpy wrists.

“Jesus Christ! I have HOOKS for HANDS!” Ahab bellowed.

 

“You're welcome,” said Jesus, and then sprouted great big white wings and soared off into the heavens.

Judas gazed after him, shading his eyes against the brilliance of the sun (and Son!) with his hand. “I... don't know how to love him. I don't know why he moves me. He's a man, he's just a man. He's not a king, he's just the same as anyone I know. He scares me so! When he's cold and dead, will he let me be? Does he love me too? Does he care for me?” Judas quietly sang under his breath.

“I hope you've learned your lesson now, Ahab!” Po said.

“Aye, verily I have,” Ahab replied.

He removed the harpoon from the White Whale's cranium and magically the whale sprang to life again! It whistled and clicked in gratitude, and jumped up out of the water, breaching like a whale. Everyone got splashed, and they laughed and laughed. Except for Po, who never liked getting his fur wet.

 _Last night I had a dream_  
_It was so plain to see._  
_I was swimming in the ocean_  
_So far out at sea._  
_I was not scared or breathless,_  
_But filled with oh such joy_  
_A whale was swimming beside me_  
_And telling me her tale._

 

The End.


End file.
